Three Books Nick Offerman Should Write

Three Books Nick Offerman Should Write My job entails a lengthy commute. This has been bad for my feelings of gentleness and compassion toward my fellow humans, but great for my audiobook habit. Ive listened to a whole host of different types of books over the last several months, and have  settled into something of a groove lately listening to books by comedians. My favorites of these as much because of their authors performance while narrating them as their content have been Nick Offermans two books,  Paddle Your Own Canoe and  Gumption: Relighting the Torch of Freedom with Americas Gutsiest Troublemakers.  Nick, of course, is a funnyman  par excellence known best for his role as the mustachioed libertarian carnivore Ron Swanson on  Parks and Recreation (which, sadly, has ended its run, but which lives on in the streaming devices in our hearts). The first of these volumes is essentially Offermans autobiography, although it doubles loosely as a homespun self-help book sprinkled with topical essays. Despite Offermans assurances that, in real life, hes  not Ron Swanson (dont listen to him; he is Ron Swanson), it basically reads like Ron Swansons treatise on a life well lived.  Gumption, on the other hand, retains Offermans gruff, no-nonsense approach, but applies it to short, appreciative essays about a number of great Americans, many of whom Jeff Tweedy and Laurie Anderson, for example wouldnt likely find themselves lauded in any history book. He celebrates presidents, abolitionists, a first lady, performance artists, a film director, an architect, and a late night TV host, just to name a few. Both books are hilarious, and Id bet that, given Offermans quality performance as their narrator, audio is the optimal format in which to enjoy these fine works. Unfortunately, there isnt any more enjoying to be done at the moment, since  Paddle and  Gumption are Offermans only two works. He may  be hard at work on a third one for all I know (although, to hear him tell it, hes probably in his wood shop or putting on a play somewhere or working his way through the Kama Sutra with his wife, Megan Mullally). But just in case Ol Nick needs to jump start his creative process, I have a few ideas about what his next project should be. I would enthusiastically read the following hypothetical books, because they would be un-hypothetically amazing. A music-centric coming-of-age novel.  Nick Offerman comes from a small, rural town in Illinois, and when he went off to college at the University of Illinois, he was smacked in the face by the sheer volume of cool music hed missed out on over the years.  In an age where anybody can use the internet to essentially find and listen to anything they want, whenever they want, this sort of story has a novelty to it, while the coming-of-age story is perfectly universal. I figure Offerman could parlay his considerable comedic gifts and his period of musical discovery into a fine, funny new adult novel, or even lower the age of the protagonist into YA territory and funnel the musical discovery through an older cousin or something. I imagine Eleanor and Park, but with more pot smoke and fewer abusive step-parents. A satirical biography of Teddy Roosevelt as written by Ron Swanson.  After listening to Offerman talk about the reverence he has for  Parks and Recreations creative team and his fellow actors, I doubt Nick Offerman would ever again fully inhabit his greatest role without their involvement. That said, he should totally do it. The real Offerman loves Teddy Roosevelt and the bulk of what he stood for conservation, self-determination, facial hair but Edmund Morris biographical trilogy has probably eliminated the need for any further peaks behind the proverbial TR curtain. The solution? Create something altogether different: a Colbert Report-style mock-biography written from the government-fearing, bear-wrestling perspective of Ronald Ulysses Swanson, the man who strove to meet Roosevelts ideas of masculinity and meaning. It would play up Roosevelts achievements and personality just as  Parks and Rec  exaggerated Ron Swansons, while also allowing Offerman the chance to subtly mock the 2 6th presidents backwards attitude toward most people who werent white male Americans. A How-To book on all the things I was too busy playing video games to learn how to do while growing up.  I am not the most handy person youll ever meet, but I am the  least handy person youll ever meet. Basically, if its any more involved than screwing in a lightbulb, Im not your man. But if Nick Offerman were teaching me, I bet I could learn. Who else is going to be able to instruct us how to, say, build a book case, repair a lawnmower, or catch, clean, and cook a fish with such a combination of hilarity and vigor? Nobody, thats who. Title suggestion:  This Will be No Fun at All, taken from the last line of the Pawnee Rangers episode of  Parks and Rec, where Ron starts his own troop of hard-nosed scouts known as Swansons. Im not saying Ill never forgive Nick Offerman if he neglects to write another book. All Im saying is that Ill be crushed and disappointed and take it as a personal message that the artist formerly known as Swanson doesnt want me to be happy. Its cool. Whatever. In seriousness, I really hope Nick takes on another writing project of one kind or another, even if it isnt one of my (brilliant, guaranteed bestseller) ideas. In the meantime, word came down yesterday that Mr. Offerman himself is bringing his humor-type show to the University of Kentucky, my alma mater (its March now, so Im mandated by the fine print on my degree to mention that I went to UK). Looks like Ive got some tickets to book. (Get it?  Book? Fine, Ill go now.)